Kakariko Village hag teaches Chemistry
by LaAriella
Summary: Title explains a lot. What happens when the LoZ characters decide to take Chemistry lessons from the old potion making Hag? Complete random insaneness! (based off another fic I read) please R&R!
1. Unfortunate Students

Kakariko Village hag teaches Chemistry  
  
**Author's Note** Yeah the title is dumb and probably the story is too, but this is my first humor fic on anything LoZ, so sue me if it sucks. I got an idea to do something about that old hag in Kakariko Village who runs that potion shop place. In LoZ, you had to give her that mushroom from the forest and she would make a potion out of it (if you remember, the lady who strokes the cat all the time). This humor fic is based off of a fic I read about Bio classes from the lakeside laboratory dude (by author Foranigan, son of Farore) , and is in no intention of copying the ideas that author used but instead I thought it would be amusing to do one about her and what it might be like for our poor LoZ characters to take lessons in potion making!  
  
* Kakariko Village hag grimaces in dismay when child Link, Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Nabooru and Saria pile into her shop. When the lot finally settles down, she drums her fingers on the counter while one hand strokes her cat *  
  
Kakariko Village Hag: Hey! Quit labeling me as a hag you stupid narrator, or I'll get my friend at the lakeside laboratory to give you a bio lesson you won't soon forget! My name is Agatha, and that's all you brutes need to know.  
  
Link: * with a mischievous smile * so, what is our lesson today Kakariko Village hag?  
  
Agatha: Shut up you dress wearing punk, or you'll wish you never asked the question!  
  
Link: Ahem, I'm not wearing a dress; it's a garment of clothing called a TUNIC!  
  
Malon: * hums Epona's song quietly to herself and then talks * Have you ever given classes to anyone before, Ms. ...umm...Agatha?  
  
Agatha: Look "Melon", if I wanted to hear you talk I would have started by asking you first. Since I didn't – STOP HUMMING THAT ANNOYING TUNE!  
  
Malon: * stops abruptly and looks at Agatha in shock * Yikes! It seems to me someone has been locked in here for far too long...and by the way, my name is MALON and not MELON!  
  
Saria: * sniggers *  
  
Agatha: * glares at Saria * that goes for you too, forest girl!  
  
Saria: * jerks her head back and shrugs * whatever...  
  
Agatha: Now then, since "Melon" over there stopped humming that repetitive song, I shall begin our first lesson on how to make an assortment of mushroom potions-  
  
Malon: Hey! I already told you, my name is MALON!  
  
Agatha: Fine, then MALON. As I was saying, we will begin first by starting with the rare red mushroom found only in the Lost Woods (and I wish you little punks would go there and actually get lost) hehe...  
  
Link: I went there! But I didn't get lost, and Saria goes there all the time. It's so cool; there are tons of trees and-  
  
Agatha: I didn't ask for your opinion on the Lost Woods! It's a shame you came back, but I guess that proves you have some intelligence hidden within that stupid looking hat covered head of yours.  
  
Link: * folds his arms across his chest * my hat is way cooler than you'll ever be, especially since your wrinkly and this place smells like bad old hag perfume!  
  
Agatha: For your information, my husband says it's the best smelling perfume I wear. Wrinkles are part of the aging process, and if you don't keep quiet I'll give you a beating that isn't part of your aging process...  
  
Nabooru: * laughs * as if you could beat up the Hero of Time...  
  
Ruto: She's married? Ewww!  
  
Zelda: You shouldn't talk fish face...* coughs * an example being how Link practically fled from you when you gave him your "engagement stone"  
  
Ruto: * pouting * Link, you love me don't you?  
  
Link: Due to the fact my answer is obvious to everyone else but you, I won't even bother commenting on that.  
  
Agatha: SILENCE! I'm already wasting my time trying to fill your useless brains with valuable knowledge on making some of the most powerful chemicals in Hyrule, so if you don't want to learn then you can leave!  
  
* She gasps in shock when everyone heads to the door, and just as Ruto is about to turn the knob to open it, she yells *  
  
Agatha: GET BACK HERE!  
  
Saria: * walks back * Fine, but I already know how to make magic potions from forest ingredients, I don't think I need to learn anything else-  
  
Agatha: Forest ingredients! Ha! I bet the only remotely magical things you can make are magic mushrooms... Saria: What? Are you accusing me of doing drugs?  
  
Agatha: * shifty eyes and tone of sarcasm * of course not...  
  
Malon: I have no reason to learn how to make potions. I live on a ranch after all!  
  
Agatha: Do you think I care where you live? I already knew considering when you walked in the door you smelled like horse manure. From what I hear, all you do on that "ranch" of yours is stand around humming that same annoying song over and over...  
  
Malon: My song isn't annoying, and its called EPONA'S SONG by the way.  
  
Nabooru: * sniggers to Zelda * we should call Agatha "Hagatha"...  
  
Agatha: I heard that you red haired Gerudo freak! ANYWAYS to get back on topic, I'm going to ask forest girl over there if she could give me the mushrooms she brought for the lesson.  
  
Saria: Umm...I kind of...ate most of them.  
  
Ruto: Correction, you mean you used most of them to go into one of your "magical mind altering adventures"  
  
Saria: I did not! Besides, the mushrooms "Hagatha" asked for are a different kind than the ones you're talking about!  
  
Agatha: Enough! Just give me the mushrooms!  
  
* Saria walks over and hands her what's left of the mushrooms. *  
  
Hagatha (oops, I mean Agatha): Narrator! I thought I told you to call me Agatha! Don't make me come over there and...never mind. Now then, since Saria used all of the mushrooms except for this one that's left, we will make just one potion today.  
  
Zelda: * sighs with relief * nice going Saria!  
  
Agatha: Mushroom potions have healing properties, and can be used for a variety of things. Unfortunately, it doesn't cure the apparent stupidity some of you brats in this room have.  
  
Link: It also doesn't cure the apparent ugliness that you have.  
  
Agatha: I thought I told you to keep your little smart mouth shut?  
  
Link: Hey, I guess that means I'm one of the non-stupid people in this room then since you called me smart!  
  
Agatha: Umm...yes...I suppose it does. Anyway...the mushroom used in this potion can only be found in the Lost Woods, like I stated earlier unless you little punks have a memory span too short to remember. To make a potion from this mushroom, you must first boil a pot of water in a cauldron, before mashing the mushroom and mixing it with other ingredients.  
  
* Agatha turns and points at a bubbling cauldron on the counter before crushing the mushroom in her long fingers. *  
  
Zelda: Why don't you just cut up instead of crushing it like that?  
  
Agatha: Why don't you just sit and be quiet and let me teach the lesson! * mutters * Spoiled little royal brat...  
  
Zelda: * shakes her head * ok...  
  
Agatha: Now that the mushroom is prepared and the water is boiling, the next ingredient is added. * reaches to the back shelf and pulls out a dusty container with leaves in it. * This here is called "Sage" but its not ordinary sage. It is hand picked from deep within the forest and contains mystical properties. * throws a few leaves into the boiling water * once it is in the water, the mushrooms are added and the water will turn red, which is an indication that the potion is ready.  
  
Saria: Hey! I'm a sage!  
  
Agatha: Stupid little forest girl, I'm talking about the sage as in a plant and not an actual "sage". If you were paying attention, you would have realized that!  
  
Link: Can you hurry this lesson up? I really want to leave so I can get out of this smelly shop and get some fresh air!  
  
Agatha: * sighs and throws the crushed mushroom into the cauldron. The potion turns red and becomes thick instantly, and she spoons some of it out onto a piece of parchment. * There, as you can see, this potion has thickened because the mushroom reacted with the sage and the magic combined to create a healing remedy. It's a simple potion, but since none of you have proven you can move on to the more difficult potions, it should be within your grasp.  
  
Link: * runs to the door * Yay! This is finally over; I'm getting out of here!  
  
Malon: Wait for me! * Runs after him and they fling the door open and leave *  
  
Zelda: Well...that was interesting. I just have one question though.  
  
Agatha: Yes?  
  
Zelda: Where in Hyrule's name is that weird music coming from?  
  
Agatha: What are you talking about?  
  
Ruto: I hear it too! It sounds like bongos and other instruments in the background...  
  
Agatha: That has nothing to do with chemistry, or the lesson I just gave!  
  
Saria: *behind the Kakariko Village hag in the corner at the back of the shop * Its coming from over here! * stands beside a small black ghetto blaster that has the music playing from it *  
  
Agatha: Hey! How did you get passed me?  
  
Saria: When you were talking to Zelda, I jumped over the counter.  
  
Agatha: Why you rude little elf-girl! I like that music since all of you have the nerve to ask, and don't touch my CD player!  
  
* Saria touches a button on the player anyway, which results in the music speeding up really fast until sparks come from it and the CD player explodes *  
  
Agatha: ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT, EVERYONE OUT, NOW! And don't come back till next week's lesson, which will be on concocting magic potions to refill your magic meters. Keep in mind on our little outing the week after to the Lost Woods where I will show you how to pick the right mushrooms and potion ingredients...  
  
Nabooru: Hey, we wanted to leave anyway, so you don't need to tell us to go!  
  
Ruto: Yay! Now I can go back to Zoras Domain!  
  
Zelda: * glares at Ruto * go get eaten by JabuJabu fish girl! And this time, your precious Link won't come to save you!  
  
Ruto: *runs out of the shop crying, and Zelda, Saria and Nabooru follow after her *  
  
**Author's End of Chapter Note** so, what do you think? Please don't flame, I mean nothing when I "insult" the LoZ characters, its all in good fun since I really like Ruto, Link and everyone. I really hoped this was somewhat good, and if you review suggestions for what happens next are welcome, as well as for when they go to the Lost Woods...^_^ this story was made in complete randomness...so sorry if its dumb. 


	2. Agatha has Issues

Kakariko Village Hag Teaches Chemistry – Part Two  
  
Lessons in Magic: When things go from bad to worse!  
  
Agatha: Looks like its that time again, those little brats will be here any minute with their little friends and bring with them their high pitch voices and annoying questions...* growls * I should have retired and moved in with the Lakeside Laboratory Dude * winks and smiles to herself *  
  
Narrator: Well I would guess its that time again Agatha, and look who has just arrived. By the way, if your going to talk about that kind of stuff involving you and...that other weird/ugly old guy keep it to yourself and spare everyone their insanity.  
  
Agatha: I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut you stupid narrator? If you don't listen to me this time I'll come over there and dump a bottle of citric acid in your eyes and gouge them out and give them to my lakeside laboratory friend since he likes eyes...  
  
* Agatha sighs in exasperation when Link, Zelda, Saria, Nabooru, Ruto, and Malon stumble in. However when she thinks they are enough to deal with, Mido and Sheik (who is his own person in this story) appear right behind them. *  
  
Malon: Not this place again! I want to go be with Epona instead of remaining in his dank dark freaky looking shop...  
  
Agatha: If you going to come in ranch girl remember to wipe your shoes before you walk on my nice red carpet because I don't want you tracking horse manure into my shop!  
  
Link (using sarcasm): * sniffs the shop and coughs in repulsion when the familiar awful old perfume smell fills his nose * Great. Another chemistry class with that old hag – as if I haven't dealt with enough as it is, she's worse than Ganondorf! At least the kind of evil puts some effort into his personal hygiene!  
  
Zelda: I know this is bad, but the sooner we finish here the sooner we can get back to our actual lives. I have a charity ball to go to for the unfortunate refugees that fled from Hyrule Castle Town so I don't have time to waste in this dump.  
  
Agatha: Shut up both of you, especially you Link or else I'll come over there and sick my cat on you! And who are the stupid looking friends you brought with you without asking my permission? * Her beady eyes fall on Mido, who glares at her * I can't believe you brought another one of those pixie punks from that forest...having one in my class is bad enough as it is let alone two!  
  
Mido: I am not a pixie for your information I am a Kokiri. If you can't get your facts straight, for the second time as far as I've heard from Malon, you are the stupid person in this room.  
  
Agatha: I didn't ask you to speak! So instead of trying to sound like your intelligent by taking my sarcasm seriously, why not count all the freckles on your hideous face? I don't have time to waste on you.  
  
Ruto: Nope you don't because you're wasting it on the rest of us!  
  
Agatha: I'm afraid so, and I don't even know why I bother talking to a fish person like you considering most fish have a memory span of five seconds...but they do taste good fried...  
  
Ruto: Hey! I may be part fish but at least when people look at me they know I resemble something, unlike you who looks like nothing seen in Hyrule before...  
  
Sheik: What on earth is going on? In fact, why am I even here? LINK!!! This is your fault, you told me we would be going to the Hyrule Café so I could read some of my haiku and poetry...  
  
Link: Hey, how else could I get you to come here? You may be hopelessly cryptic but I'd rather listen to your strange ramblings about friendship and other things I don't exactly understand than be stuck looking at Hagatha over there. * Shudders *  
  
Agatha: This is your last warning you foolish dress wearing punk, or else I'll take that worthless little sword of yours and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! As for you * looks at Sheik * if you even utter a word of Haiku in my presence I'll give you a cause to wear more bandages on your hands than you already wear now!  
  
Sheik: Is that supposed to be some kind of threat? Man, I knew time flowed like a river but I guess it must have gotten a huge extension in your case...although I can't understand why. * Shakes his head and pulls out his harp before playing a few notes on it (a.k.a. Shiek's theme song) *  
  
Malon: Oh that is so pretty! Let's make music like that together! * Hums Shiek's song along with him in her cute high voice. All the while Agatha begins to lose her temper *  
  
Zelda: Uh oh she's lost it now! Oh wait...she was crazy to begin with so...  
  
Nabooru: Cool a harp! Hey! How did you pull it out so fast Sheik? Where do you keep it then since it's technically impossible to conceal a harp like that when you don't have anything to hide it/carry it in?  
  
Agatha: PUT THAT AWFUL SOUNDING HARP AWAY RIGHT NOW! And as for Malon over there, if she keeps singing I will have to remind myself to tear out her vocal chords!!!!  
  
Malon: * stops singing * fine then! You're such a witch, especially since you hate harps even though Sheik is probably the best harp player in all of Hyrule.  
  
Sheik: Don't talk that way to me you narcissistic hag. * Stops playing his harp * After all, its not my fault I'm a popular character and your not, and that the only story you've ever been featured in is this one, while I've been featured in hundreds of fan fics. * Shrugs * I can see why nobody except this author wants you in their story...  
  
Saria: Yeah!!! Go Sheik you rock! * Takes out her Ocarina and begins to play Saria's song. The moment she does everyone starts dancing and stops paying attention to Agatha, who by now as many would guess has had enough. *  
  
Agatha: I'm here to teach and let you brats use my shop for your learning process, not as your own personal dance floor! Put that stupid flute thing away right now so I can start the lesson!  
  
Saria: * puts her ocarina back into her tunic pocket * alright, and I'm only doing this so everyone can get out of here as soon as this is over...  
  
Nabooru: Hey! How about after class we go dancing! PARTY AT SARIA'S HOUSE! YEAH!  
  
Link: Sounds good to me, I just want to get as far away from her as possible. * Surprisingly not only is Link looking at Agatha as he says that, but also at Ruto because she is uncomfortably close to him *  
  
Ruto: Hey Link, after the party do you want to go to Zoras River and-  
  
Zelda: Hands off fish eyes! Link is mine, and there's nothing you can do about it!  
  
Link: Well when it comes between Zelda and Ruto, there's no question who I'd choose, especially since I think it would be best if I stuck to remaining within my SPECIES!  
  
Ruto: But Link, I thought you loved me!  
  
Zelda: Get over yourself Ruto. You know he doesn't love you when he runs away whenever he sees you.  
  
Agatha: ENOUGH! Must I always sort out your pathetic and annoying love triangles? If fish face can't get it right, then I will. Ruto loves Link, who hates Ruto and Loves Zelda and Zelda loves cross-dressing since she dresses like a man! There you go, although it's obvious any other female in this room besides me has the hots for Link too, although I can't see why considering Link wears dresses...and that dumb hat and tights...  
  
Link: I thought I told you my outfit is called a tunic, and if you had any sense what so ever you would know people these days wear this stuff – oh I guess I must have forgotten you have been around since the Stone Age so you probably haven't seen anything modern!  
  
Nabooru: Whatever with this crap, I didn't say I liked Link I just mentioned he was handsome...and... * blushes and turns away *  
  
Ruto: Fine then, if I can't have Link then I'll find someone else. * Looks over at Sheik and bats her eyelids *  
  
Sheik: Don't even think about it.  
  
Ruto: * pouts *  
  
Agatha: BACK TO THE LESSON NOW! I'm tired of dealing with your childish problems that are of little significance!!!  
  
Nabooru: And I'm tired of listening to you rant and rave about how miserable it is to teach us chemistry, even though its your job!  
  
Agatha: I don't need you telling me what my job is! Anyways... * turns to a tube of green potion sitting on her desk * this you little punks, is magic potion.  
  
Link (Sarcasm): No really? I didn't know that, considering I use that stuff almost all the time... * rolls his eyes *  
  
Agatha: * strokes her cat harshly in anger which causes it to startle and hiss * I was just making sure your small minds could understand since I wouldn't want to overload them with too much information...although if it would get you freaks out of my way I wouldn't mind that.  
  
Malon: Oh kitty! It's so cute!!!  
  
Agatha: Pay attention to the lesson and not my cat!!!  
  
Malon: Aww! What's its name? Can I hold it?  
  
Saria: I can't believe that poor animal can stand being in a place like this and with someone as scary looking as her...  
  
Agatha: Shut up elf girl! To answer your questions Malon, my cat's name is Mr. Whiskers and no you may not hold him since you claim I smell when you actually stink a lot worse considering your constantly around horses and disgusting things like that...  
  
Link: * sniggers * Mr. Whiskers...umm...ok...  
  
Malon: I don't smell!  
  
Sheik: Sorry Malon but you do, although that old chick can't really talk either. * Begins to recite Haiku/ random non-rhyming poetry * the wind... it blows in the trees. Rustling the leaves, disturbing but the smallest creature. Cleansing Hyrule of the smell from one of its most ancient citizens in Kakariko Village-  
  
Agatha: I thought I told you not to read any poetry in my class! This is CHEMISTRY not English/Poetry class! * Takes a test tube and throws it at him, but Sheik easily dodges aside because he uses one of his smoke balls to "mysteriously vanish" and instead the test tube hits Mido in the face. *  
  
Mido: OWWWW! That fricken hurt!!!! Not only do you not have beauty but you also don't have the ability to aim when you throw something!!!!  
  
Agatha: Where did that strange brute go?  
  
Link: Who knows? He always does that, I could swear he likes teasing me whenever I want to talk to him and he vanishes at the last possible moment...although he is good at doing that I must admit.  
  
Agatha: Fine then, never mind him. As I was saying, before I was interrupted for goddess knows how many times, green magic restores your magic meters. You can buy it from shops and spend your precious money on it (that you probably stole or in Zelda's case did nothing to earn because all she does is sit on her fat butt and get people to do stuff for her). In order to concoct such magic yourself to save you cash, all you need is a little fairy dust and some water from Zoras Fountain.  
  
Ruto: And I have just the water for the lesson! * Gives a bottle of water to Agatha *  
  
Zelda: * mutters and glares at Ruto * teacher's pet...fish...  
  
Agatha: Since I have the first ingredient, Link get out that annoying fairy of yours so that I might take some of her magic dust.  
  
Link: You can't be serious, not Navi! If I take her out she won't leave me alone!!!  
  
Agatha: If you don't do it right now I'll come over there and take you out so just do it!  
  
Link: Fine. * Reaches behind him with one arm and pulls Navi out from beneath his shield * Here we go...  
  
Navi: HEY!  
  
Link (with little enthusiasm): Hey Navi.  
  
Navi: LISTEN! We're supposed to be on our quest to save the world from Ganondorf so the first thing we need to do is- Link: Save it Navi. The world will have to wait, because for now I'm stuck in Chemistry class with "Hagatha" over there. Just give me some of your fairy dust so I can make you go away.  
  
Navi: What? NO WAY! This stuff is all mine and-  
  
Link: * grabs Navi in his hand and takes her over to Agatha where he turns Navi upside down and shakes a few sprinkles of her fairy dust into a small wooden bowl on the counter * For Farore's sake hold still! * When he's done he shoves Navi between his back and shield *  
  
Navi: Link what about our quest-  
  
Link: Would you shut up for once!!! Gees! Its hard enough listening to your irritating voice everyday!  
  
Agatha: Perfect. Now that the two ingredients are ready, this is how it is turned into a potion. * Takes the fairy dust and the water and mixes the two together * when these ingredients are mixed the magic in the fairy dust mixes with the sacred water from Zoras Fountain and the result is a newly made magic potion. * Holds up the test tube containing a clear liquid *  
  
Zelda: Umm...that doesn't really look like a magic potion because isn't a magic potion supposed to be green?  
  
Agatha: Don't interrupt! I am getting to that part. The reason why it is clear is because it takes a few hours for the magic to work and turn the potion into its normal green color.  
  
Nabooru: Yeah ok then, can we go now?  
  
Agatha: No! Because before any of you can leave, I want to know where that Sheik freak went!  
  
Sheik: I'm right here, and this is for calling me a freak! Eat harp you mean hag!  
  
* Suddenly almost out of nowhere Sheik appears and he throws his harp at Agatha, which hits her and knocks her back where she falls to the floor unconscious. *  
  
Malon: Sheik! Wasn't that a little harsh?  
  
Sheik: Heck no! Now we can get out of here! Or would you rather stay and get insulted over and over again?  
  
Zelda: I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly don't! Let's go!  
  
Malon: She won't die will she? Link: Well considering how long she's stayed alive, no.  
  
Malon: Ok just checking, let's go!  
  
Nabooru: Yeah PARTY TIME!!!!  
  
Mido: I'll be glad to leave her behind. Hey Saria, when we get to your house do you want to...hang out...?  
  
Saria: * runs to the door while calling back * I don't think so Mido, because your just not my type – for a good reason too. I prefer blonds personally * hint hint *  
  
Link: Hehe...so many chicks to choose from, how will I ever make up my mind?  
  
Zelda: You won't because you've already chosen me!  
  
Link: Oh yeah, right...  
  
Ruto: Hey Sheik...how about you?  
  
Sheik: I thought I already told you DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Seriously. * Backs away and then uses another smoke ball and disappears *  
  
Ruto: Aww....  
  
* Everyone walks out of the room and when they leave Agatha's cat jumps on the counter and looks at the readers in a cute innocent way *  
  
Mr. Whiskers: Well then since that old hag is finally unconscious, I'm free for a while! Yay! So before Agatha wakes up and goes all psycho on me because I didn't do anything about it, I might as well remind you that stay turned for the next chapter in this messed up story because everyone is going on a fieldtrip to the Lost Woods...pathetic as it is, I guess its part of the curriculum? How would I know I'm just a cat...who can apparently talk somehow? Anyway if you are nice enough to review (hopefully you are) you can leave questions for Agatha and she will respond to them in the next chapter. It can be about virtually anything to do with the story, so feel free to ask away! The author also requests that you maybe talk about some of your favorite parts in this chapter if there are any, or make suggestions because that would REALLY help the author decide what random direction this story should go next... 


End file.
